the most beautiful thing: on a clear-ish day
We listen to Colin Haye a lot. And he has a song that ends with the lyrics, “On a clear day, I can see a very very very long way.”
But this isn’t a clear day. Frankly, it’s a mentally muddy, low-pressure system, emotionally and physically sneezy sort of day. A day when I thought of leaving, staying, quitting, joining a nunnery, being famous somehow, hugging closer, and killing myself all in the coarse of about two hours. (Don’t take that last one too seriously, okay? I used to have a serious issue with depression and thought about that offing oneself option a lot too much for a while and so sometimes now it pops into my head as sort of habit, and as if to say “hello, remember me, the thing you don’t actually consider anymore but still remember feeling somewhat comforted by? yeah. that one. hi!” That’s all.) So, it’s not a very clear day.
But just like the “yoohoo, it’s me!” aforementioned voice above, I have another stronger brighter voice, the kind that tickles the hairs on the back of your neck when you hear it rise up from a conversation in a crowd, that could sing an aria if it wanted to but knows it would just invite a lot of sadness, that could stay really still and quiet and almost not breathing and be just as powerful… well, I have one of those that hums a sweet remembrance in my ear now and again when it seems to her I need it. She says a little something like this:
Clouds are clouds. The sky is still blue.
Crowds of people adore and love you.
And even if they didn’t, your work is clear.
Just keep loving and shining and being here.
Clouds are clouds. They come they go.
Crowded or lonely, what you have in the middle, right there in the middle is way fine and dandy and bigger and farther than all that other crap, and it sees everything perfectly thank you very much so stop trying to fix what ain’t broken and remember that the most beautiful thing is whatever you want it to be, toe fungus or celestial cirrus. So there.
And I imagine she sticks out her tongue.
“…a very very very long way.” Indeed.
Photo by Jen Leigh.