tmbt: love for sale (will consider trade)
Watching me watching you, I see it so much more clearly now. She passed along the wise words of her teacher then – that it is not the absence of someone loving us that makes us deathly lonely, but the not having someone to give our love to.
I used to think you did not love me.
Now I know you love me, but you cannot fully accept my love.
Every time I have said, or thought loud or soft, “Why don’t you love me?” I was really asking, “Why won’t you let me love you?”
When I am happy and cuddly in my own skin awash in thoughts of you, I am happy to be loved, certainly, but I am deeply contented to be giving my love in this way to someone (even if much of it goes unnoticed or unappreciated).
He said that the sun does not shine for anything in return – the sun shines because that is what it is meant to do. And it shines, and shines, and shines.
We cannot love fully because it will get us love in return (or acceptance, or sex, or respect, or other things we sometimes mistake for love) but because it is simply what we are meant to do. When is anyone happiest? When they love, and love, and love.
When I am asking myself about a new interest in my life, it is not for me to ask if I think he could love me as much as I need or want to be loved, or in the right ways. No. It is for me to look at him at all the angles I can to ascertain one simple thing, important above all else: Does he have the capacity, willingness and availability to accept the love I have to give fully?
And how would I know?
I wouldn’t. But I suspect that another’s capacity to accept love… err, that my own capacity to accept love is equal to or thereabouts to how much I accept love from myself, and thereby also give it. Because you see, I no longer think that it has been my inability to love myself that has kept me from rising to my most magical, but rather my inability to accept the love I can and do so readily give myself that stunts me.
I hear the little voice loving me and it says, “Rest now,” or “A walk would feed your soul,” or “Spend time with her tonight, not him,” or “Just tell her no. You don’t want or need to, so just say that,” etc. etc. etc. the list can go on forever. I hear the voices. Sometimes I accept their love and mark that acceptance with embracing the direction. But many times more often, I nod politely and urge my skin to thicken further and move through the moment unloved for my own lack of ability to receive that which I myself give.
So, hear me, most beautiful twist of quest for love, ye quest to give love, I say now that I hear you and I will try my darndest to 1. remember 2. accept love that I may know true acceptance in another when I see it and 3. never ask another again if they love me or why they don’t as if that is the crux of the issue.
And I may not even ask you why you can’t accept the love I give you so generously. I may simply take note of so much thrown aside affection, turn heel and move on to the next town of lovers who may have one among them who can and will receive this big big sparkling love fully, one who has arms enough for the holding of it here, and a heart that too has broken enough to stretch around the world so many times over. It will be the most beautiful thing… ever. And the flip of the sale, of the search, of the question, of the knowing is tonight the most beautiful thing.
Image found at Outstanding Club.