tmbt: present tense freedom
To be in love and free to walk away is perhaps the the most precarious ground on which I’ve ever stood. To be in love and know that anything could happen… and believe it. To be in love and swim in it, dance with it, get blown through and through by it and yet have feet planted firmly on the ground, in this moment, is an experience like I’ve seldom had. It’s like the settling of my mind mid-meditation when I surrender to the being on the cushion and stop wondering how long before the bell rings to end it, wondering how long before I can move on to the list carried in my head. It is being there and noticing all of the glorious goings on to enjoy and see. This is living. This is freedom. This is love.
Free. Free to walk away, but from what is an important distinction. Free to walk away from the picture-perfect building under construction in my head, from the “either/or”, all or nothing, from the “do or die”. Free to walk away from forever as a package. Free to be okay if it doesn’t turn out the way I’d hoped for so long. Free to give up all the past wishes without throwing the efforts they spurred on into the various “failure” piles I’ve built for myself. Free to look you in the eyes and say freely without duress of my own hopes and fears that I love you. Free to be happy no matter what.
And in the freedom to leave, to not have the outcome I think I need, I find a most precious opportunity… to stay. Here. Now. All the maybes and possibles and wanting certainly present and accounted for, but not the boss of me. Here. Now. With you, with love, with peace. In the freedom to let go of my list of requisites, I have the freedom to have all there is right now, right here with me. And because I’m right here, you get more of me, too.
And yet… I am so human. I am free and I feel the difference, but I also remember the old and feel the new longing brimming even now inside the knowing of that freedom. Freedom is a choice, it seems. Moment to moment, present upon present. The swirl of all the going on can pull me further into the now or throw me out to the fringe. The fringe. The fringe of reality. I know it well. It is a sparkly, seductive, yet jagged terrain and there, the view back in to the center of the moment is clouded by doubt. I have lived there, living in the fantasy of falling off the edge. I know the difference now more than ever. And I choose reality. I choose the center of this moment. Here is where you really are – those eyes, that warmly-emotional chest, sweetness in your voice. Here in this moment, real and present, I am free to see you for what you are and since what you are is so precious, I am very glad to arrive.
Freedom, hard as it may be to continue to obtain, is what I want. And freedom, hard as it may be to give, is the gift I wish to give you. Freedom is flight. Freedom is deep-sea gliding. Freedom brings out the best in us. Freedom is happiness. Freedom is love. Freedom is everything. And everything is what I wish you to have. As I am free, so are you.
“I want to have fun. I want to shine like the sun. I want to be the one that you want to see. I want to knit you a sweater. I want to write you a love letter. I want to make you feel better. I want to make you feel free.” ~ Joni Mitchell
Photo referenced to Choiceless Awareness blog.