tmbt: dying fantasy
I’ve never really thought about someone in my life dying before, except for maybe my mother who has had a couple of intense medical issues in recent years. Right now though, and lately, I’m thinking about death. I’m thinking about the possibility, (bah! the absolute) that someone I love dearly will die, many of them in fact. Maybe much sooner than I’d expect. I could come home one day from a walk and there’d be a body lying on the floor, the body I left glowing and smiling, and there it would be lifeless and simply… gone. Or an unfamiliar number would appear one afternoon and on the other line would be a voice confirming that this was, indeed “the call”. Or that I would be the one to make that call for another.
There are so many ways to lose someone. We are lost millions of times over each day in small ways, and large. Every loss, every broken glass, every missed moment is a death, a reminder.
Fragile. Life is so very fragile. And no matter how important someone is, how much I love them, how much I think I could never live without them, they will be gone some day. I will be gone some day, leaving them stunned on the other end of that call. Does that make things scary, tentative, and well, incredibly fragile? Yes, so much so.
It also makes them unbearably precious, invaluable, and dear beyond belief. So. Very. Dear.
So, tonight as my mind wonders down the what-ifs and oh-no’s of loving the people in my life, that meandering also reminds me acutely of the reason for this fear, for this dread of the certain: I have something so intensely beautiful to cause me this worry. And I know deep down that the thing to do is make sure I squeeze as much out of life, out of myself, for myself and for them as I can. Love them with all my might, that is what there is to do. And love this breath I am taking right now. And love that I am even given the chance to begin with… to love, to live. To have this beautiful love, this beautiful life.
Photo: Dan Heller. See this and more of his work at www.danheller.com.
~ by HeatherArtLife on January 10, 2009.